For more than a century, bicycle engineers have pursued the same goals.

Lighter frames.

Better aerodynamics.

More efficient drivetrains.

Electronic shifting.

Carbon fiber everything.

But eventually, someone was bound to ask the question that could change cycling forever:

“What about squirrels?”

Enter a young inventor with too much time, access to a hardware store, and a refreshingly casual attitude toward accepted engineering principles.

His breakthrough was simple.

Cyclists waste enormous amounts of energy turning the pedals themselves. A squirrel, on the other hand, will run enthusiastically for reasons nobody completely understands.

Put that squirrel in a properly engineered treadmill.

Connect the treadmill to the rear wheel.

Add a handful of nuts.

Problem solved.

The prototype S-Bike v1.0 immediately demonstrated several advantages over conventional bicycles:

Higher average speed.

Lower rider heart rate.

Fresh legs at the end of every climb.

And absolutely no need to discuss FTP.

There were, admittedly, a few early technical challenges.

The first test squirrel refused to start until the pre-ride nutrition table was upgraded from peanuts to walnuts.

The second achieved remarkable power numbers but stopped abruptly after spotting another squirrel outside the garage.

And during one unfortunate field test, a dog joined the development team.

Average speed increased by 37 percent.

The squirrel has declined to discuss the incident.

Still, the inventor remains convinced that squirrel-assisted cycling represents the future.

Development of S-Bike v2.0 is already underway.

Planned improvements include electronic nut dispensing, GPS-controlled squirrel motivation, and regenerative braking that somehow puts the nuts back in the container on descents.

There is also a high-performance racing model under consideration.

Two squirrels.

The cycling authorities are currently reviewing whether this constitutes mechanical doping.

The squirrels insist they're just domestiques.